LONELY-NOMICS

I sit at my work desk and look at the affirmations that I have put out in the universe. While some of them are really ambitious as per the set standards, others are simple yet seem unachievable, at this point. As simple as- “I will be happy, again.”

 I cut off my best friend’s phone, whenever he ends up calling, knowing it very well that I need him. That I need to talk to someone about what all I have been thinking lately. But I choose not to. It’s because in this phase of self-isolation, my long-lost friend has returned. Loneliness.

Because with loneliness, creeping up on my window panes, like a friend I never asked for, a lot of other acquaintances live with me. Namely, trust issues, fear of the unknown, uncertainty. I don’t remember my first brush off with loneliness. But I have significant memories of where no one would comfort me as my loneliness did. From crawling and crying on the floors of my apartment at three in the night, to befriending loneliness when people around me wouldn’t care any less, it’s been a journey, I never expected to tread on. Today when I sit and write about my encounters with loneliness, it is yet another day, when it sits on my bed and witnesses me type away about all our adventures.

Robin Williams said, “You are not afraid to be lonely. You are afraid to end up around people who’ll make you feel lonely.” That was what so many people, my age, must have felt when they were pushed into staying homes with their families. In desi culture, it is unlikely that any kid has a good-all relationship with their families. Most of it comes from the ethos of culture, respect and generational gap. With time, it widens up to a point that there is nothing left. Nothing that you can term as harmonious. We tend to adjust. When it comes to our beloved parents, they fail in understanding, what might be causing so much trouble, after giving us everything they could have. Our parents indeed, have transformed and adapted to us. But is that enough? Is it fair to them who have gone through sleepless nights just to put us in a queen-sized bed? Is it fair to us when we, as a generation can’t end up talking about something as basic as feelings?

Mom sits in the corner and listens to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan while I jam all day to Eminem’s “Never Love Again”. That’s how pole apart we are. That’s how lonely we are. But we do find a consensus and a common ground, while agreeing to Faiz Ahmed Faiz- “zamaane main gum aur bhi hain mohabbat ke siwa, chahtein aur bhi hain vasal ki chahat ke siwa.”

(There are a number of sorrows that exist in this world that is not all about love. There are a lot more wishes waiting to be fulfilled which do not revolve around companionship.)

That’s how the economics of loneliness operates. It’s where the upward slope and downward slope of consensus and feelings meet. The juncture, where they meet, cuts off loneliness. Precisely in your living room, when you all sit together and talk. After that, the loneliness persists and moves on.

There are so many struggles our loved ones, end up hiding from us, just for a simple reason- we are too young to know them. That’s how the circle of loneliness begins. The circle begins when a better option lies in keeping things to ourselves rather than sharing it with anyone. Because it feels easier to be on your own, than to trust. Just think about that one time, when any of your parent, sat with you and talk about what keeps them up at night. Mostly, it ends up being about your future, your career, your wellbeing, your necessities. We, as a generation haven’t realized that our parents, never had an access to therapy or as simple as talking about their own feelings. They have so much hidden away and thrown in their hearts, that we’ll never know off.  

When was the last time you asked them- How are you feeling? How was your day?

We’ve had an equal share of days where we completely disagree with our parents. Disagreements that escalate into fat shaming, name calling, screaming etc. The cycle goes on. What we end up figuring out in the entire process is- lack of communication. We haven’t normalised having conversations. Conversations that don’t revolve around US-China Trade war or the neighbourhood politics, but the vulnerable ones. The how-are-you-actually-feeling ones.

When the Prime Minister of the country announced a complete lockdown, we were thrown in a place, where we had to see each other for 24 hours, be with each other and most importantly tolerate each other for 24*7. Most of us were in a state of shock, because we couldn’t make it to the universities we’d planned to; some of us were being laid off our jobs; some of us couldn’t marry anytime soon; some of us couldn’t take that vacation we’d saved for; the rest of us, we had to stay with people who don’t understand us anymore. But in the process of self-loathing we forgot to pose an important question- do we understand those people the way we used to?

Yes, we have lost on a lot. Yes, dreams have been shattered but we are willing to modify those dreams to the new normal. Yes, families can be tough to live with. Yes, it’ll all get better. We are in midst of a scenario where nothing feels certain. We are living the reality that will go on to become huge chapters of history. And, with the news channels blasting one or another happening, around the globe, it indeed is level 7 of Jumanji, that we are currently entering.

The economics of loneliness simply wants to proclaim that loneliness has always been with you. You’d never had enough time to sit idle with your own thoughts. Loneliness creeps in form of shadows and haunts us when we least except it to emerge. Maybe, sitting with your loneliness and having a hearty conversation could make it all the worth it. That one day, you end up accepting the existence of loneliness.

Because, life is all about the choice of acceptance that we are least willing to make.