OF EXPECTATIONS.

Expectations. Aspirations.

It is all a conjugation and culmination of where we sought them in. There are hardly any relationships that we form in our lives, which are devoid of any kind of expectations. We, humans are susceptible to expectations in so many forms and varieties. From mom demanding those extra coriander leaves from the greengrocer to the Gen Z comprehending a couple of expected likes and comments on their posts ; it’s all a game of expectations. Even while downloading the dating apps, people of my generation dwell on expectations. And quite frankly, it’s when somebody proclaims that they have no expectation of you, is exactly the opposite. Well most of the times.

Personally speaking, this year was supposed to be the “it” year. The year we made it. The year we took the first baby step towards the big dream. What are dreams even made of? My dreams well, have been materialistic in approach until I was put down in a lock down with the people I have grown up with, my family. With lots of time at my hand, it was dawned upon me that I am a really shitty 22 year old with some dreams that seem obnoxious.  My dreams were big, ambitious and let us say a little too much unrealistic. And well, if my family reads this, they are sure to make a big laugh that I finally realized what they wanted me to understand way back. But something more incredible that comes in the casket is how I made the conclusion. It was one fine afternoon, when the leaves in our lawn rustled and the cuckoos sang their song, I was shunned of any expectations. I was reminded of how in a world where a mysterious enemy( yes, the deadly novel corona virus) has taken control of our lives , I was forging my life in temporary happiness. At this juncture, I ran to the lawn and ended up thinking about how helpless I feel. I can’t run to my best friend and put my head on her shoulder and sob. I can not head out in the open and sit with somebody and watch the sky while holding hands (oh, that luxury). I can not go for long drives and sing out songs at the loudest pitch with my heart all out. I can not make it big this year. This was supposed to be my year. That’s what I expected of it. Alas!

I know I speak from a place of privilege and yes, there are millions who have nothing good happening to them right now. I shouldn’t be complaining about what I don’t have when I have everything right now, in the comfort my house. But I don’t even miss those moments, I crave them and long for them.

We have been put in a world where technology is doing wonders and we are connected more than ever. (But are we?) I have discussed my love for Game of Thrones with my uncle, I have marveled at conspiracy theories with my friends and I possibly feel, I would faint when I’ll see them in person outside my phone screen. Though, I should confess that I haven’t learn anything that would make me productive. More than seven weeks into the isolation, what I have actually gained is a messed up sleep schedule and nothing that contributes towards my “unrealistic” dreams. Am I proud of it? No. Am I trying to get rid of it? Kind of. Will this get better anytime soon? I have no idea. Every evening, we as a family, sit together in front of the television set, hoping that a vaccine, a magical solution will draw up and we’ll return to the normal. All I would want right now is, to wake up from this slumber and have someone tell me- it was just a bad dream. What about those fairy tales where the Prince Charming came to rescue his princess from the castle? Because right now, I expect him to show up on his stallion in his shiny armour for his princess in misery and her PJs, looking up from her window waiting for him. Was it a farce all this while? What do I do with these load of expectations? I’ll never know.

Every night, we go back to the bed with a hope, this too shall pass. But will it anytime soon? I don’t have any answers to that. Right now, all of us share a feeling of fear; a fear of death, fear of losing somebody we love, fear of making it through. Quite frankly, we have by now developed our own individual and unique coping up mechanisms. And that, my friend, is the beauty of human beings. We might have found solace in TikToks or Netflix or gardening or cooking or sleeping or even dalgona coffee. Who cares? But will it last long. It’s just like temporary happiness. In grave times, happiness and resilience dwells from within.

 A few days back I came across a series of lecture called “What India can teach us?” and I came across a powerful set of ideology. Sanskrit has this beautiful syllable “Asmi” which roughly translates to “I AM“.

I am. How simple and yet powerful! You are. You are allowed to be you. You are allowed to draw up your own conclusions. You are you. And that is something, that’s made a home in my heart. I am. The way I am. I don’t care if I’ll be accepted in the society, if I am not productive enough according to the set standards. I don’t care if the world thinks of me, of somebody who expects too much. After-all, isn’t it co-dependence and base of so many our relationships? I don’t know, if tomorrow we’ll wake up to a world that is a better place for you and me. But I’ll still see those unrealistic dreams with a few modifications, because that is who “I am”.